11. Did the Pandemic really just teach me that? (Part 1)

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, everyone has had to adjust their lifestyle in some way. Now how often can you make a statement like this that says ‘everyone’ and you mean everyone? Literally. Everyone. In the whole world. Whether it’s your work life balance, your daily routines, your habits (coping mechanisms included), your shopping and spending, the importance you put on toilet roll, hand soap and yeast! That’s right, where we live everyone apparently became a master baker overnight (make sure you read that carefully). Everyone has had to adapt to this new reality.

Now, I usually avoid making broad-brush statements, as I find the more you make them the more you realise that you really don’t know or understand what other people are going through. Even when you think you know… you don’t. So big statements for the sake of impact often belittle the point you are trying to cultivate. So the fact that I can make such a broad-brush statement… that this really does apply to everyone highlights the sheer scale of the ‘shift’ we are all experiencing, and the potential it has to make long lasting changes in our lives. What then, are the positive take-aways from all this? What has the pandemic forced us to realise and appreciate? And what things do we need to make sure we don’t forget when we start to phase back to some semblance of normality?

Health is Everything

Thankfully, I had already concluded that I had a poor immune system, and it only took 3 years of my oldest daughter being at Nursery for me to realise that. So I was not quick on the uptake. Whenever there was a cold doing the rounds, not only did I get it, but I got it in spades. You could argue that my daughters and wife all just got on with it and me, being a man, made a meal of it and just coped poorly with my bought of the sniffles. You’d be wrong. My wife would be the first to admit that when I got ill, I got ill. I couldn’t just have a cold, no... I ended up with viral infections that needed anti-biotics, then stomach issues due to the antibiotics… and so on. This was a perpetual cycle that only I experienced, and I was beginning to feel like a ‘flake’ every time I had to tell someone that I ‘wasn’t feeling great’. While I’m sure this does not help my credibility as someone who is trying to help improve your life and well-being, I can assure you I am a changed man. In fact, I have been without any type of cold or flu for 6+ months - possibly a lifetime personal best. The point is, at a time when all of a sudden everyone has been forced to assess their health, and how vulnerable they might actually be I am glad to say I had already taken steps to ensure I was in a better place. But how many people were not? How many people were forced into an abrupt realisation that they had not been looking after themselves and now it might actually matter? You might have thought of yourself as ‘fine’ and not in bad shape, but when you heard about someone who would not typically be considered vulnerable… someone young and healthy, with no underlying medical conditions being struck down by the virus, did you not pause and re-assess how helpless you might actually be? Did you not question whether you have been doing enough to make sure you are fit and healthy, and preparing your body generally to deal with whatever lies ahead?

Being trapped at home also seemed to bring out two very differing characteristics in people. Where some people rubbed their hands in glee at the prospect of a prolonged ‘duvet’ day where they binge watch Netflix and try to forget what’s going on in the wider world - after all, how many opportunities do you get to sleep in every morning for weeks on end. Others decided to create their very own fitness platforms to keep in shape, and potentially help others keep fit too. I mean, how many opportunities do you get to workout for hours a day and take the time to film it and market it? The same scenario, but two quite different views on the opportunity it presents. Now I appreciate there is a middle ground, in which a lot of people dwell, but if you’re honest you are probably leaning more one way than the other… which way is it?... and why?

Our Kids are Amazing

Ok, you don’t need me to tell you your kids are amazing, and I’m not about to suggest that we are all bad parents. Far from it. But what I’ve realised is that I did - before our first ‘little person’ arrived - have a clear ideal of what kind of father I was going to be. I had vivid pictures of actively playing with my kids, running around like an idiot while they gleefully giggled at my silliness. I imagined all the life skills I would teach them, and pictured sitting around a table making things, crafting things, baking, building camp fires (although not at the table)… and all the other idealistic images that film and TV have shown us to be ‘good parenting 101’. Thinking back only a few weeks, I realise I was far from the father I envisaged. Don’t get me wrong, I am a great dad, and am fortunate to get to spend more time with my kids than a lot of working parents. Sure, I have flaws. Many in fact, and I’ve accepted that I’ll never be perfect when it comes to ‘dadding’… who is? But… I can be better. This time at home has shown me how much more I can be doing to really engage and teach my kids… like I had pictured all those years ago. It’s highlighted that I can’t ‘phone it in’… or at least if I do, then I can’t expect them to be the best versions of themselves.

With the need to home schooling, not to mention the mammoth task of just keeping a 3 and a 5 year old entertained and stimulated enough that they don’t destroy the house of kill one another in a ill conceived jousting tournament involving bikes and brooms, I have learned a lot. I have acquired new skills, like origami, the art of pop up cards and how to grow vegetables in a pot. I have learned that shouting louder does not necessarily help diffuse a situation, although I’m pretty sure I knew that already… it’s significance has just been hammered home. I have also learned a few important things about my kids personalities. Things that I was aware of before but that I now view and understand in a whole new way, having really spent focussed time doing tasks I had up until now delegated to School and Nursery to indulge in.

For instance, my oldest ‘little person’ is already showing signs of being a perfectionist, which, on review, I feel is largely down to me, and how hard I have been on her at times, particularly since starting school and doing homework. I have in the past been quite hard on her when she is attempting to do something I know she can do, but in my view she is not focussing on the task at hand. I mean, she’s 5! Why do I expect her to be able to focus on command? I’m 37 and I still can’t force my brain to concentrate at will. So, for whatever reason, I have unintentionally been sending the wrong message about her ability to do hard things, and making her feel that if she makes a mistake, even a small one, then she has somehow failed or let herself down. This was definitely not my intention, but having spent so much time lately doing projects, and crafts with my girls I am beginning to see some aspects of my own personality that I am passing on to them… aspects I am trying to change in myself because they have not served me. Anyway, I have veered off course here, and I’m not going to waste time chastising myself about my shortcomings... but the point is, this focussed time I have spent with my kids has highlighted why I need to do better, and has helped established a framework from which I can do just that.

I am Lucky!

Now I appreciate that this might not apply to everyone, and I can only speak for myself, but one thing I have realised in the midst of all this chaos it just how lucky I am. I don’t just mean the gratitude I feel for the family and friends I have, the house I live in, the time I’m getting to spend with my kids, although those are all part of it. No, I’m mainly talking about how lucky I feel to ‘just not to be ill’.

Like me, you’ve probably had plenty of issues crop that you would usually complain about, after all, a trip to the supermarket is not the relaxed venture it used to be… but trying to take a wider view you realise - you are one of the lucky ones who is so far feeling fine. Yes, you are in lockdown… but, you feel good. You can exercise, experiment in the kitchen, play with your kids, catch up on your reading. You’re not lying in bed feeling awful. No, you get to observe this pandemic from an optimistic viewpoint, unencumbered by the worry of being ill, and the fear of what may come. You might even be lucky enough to not even know anyone who has been directly impacted… so only have a supposed understanding of what some people must be going through. This is nothing to feel guilty about… there is nothing wrong with doing well even when others are not, but for me, there have been moments of real gratitude, usually when I’ve been in a bit of a funk, where I realise this simple truth… I am so lucky just now to just feel good.

Like a spork… I am Adaptable

Our lives for the most part are pretty routine, with very little significant changes happening from week to week. Then ‘wham’ – COVID 19 hits and we are forced into a new, unfamiliar world. A world where, for a short time, you needed to spin the toilet roll like you are cracking a safe, where conversations become an open forum in earshot of everyone around you as you navigate social distancing rules. How then do we begin to adapt to our new world? Well… pretty easily actually. I’m not suggesting it wasn’t a bit of a shock to the system, or that it was all plain sailing, but when you consider that pretty much everything changed almost overnight, I would say that most of us have shown we are pretty darn adaptable. Like it or not, we have managed to just get on with things in this new version of reality. The kids need schooled at home?.. ok, let me know what’s required and I’ll get it sorted. The Gym is closed?... right, I’d better dig out my old weights and clear a space in the living room. The supermarkets have a one way system?... ok, I’ll try to write my list in the right order. You can only go out once a day for exercise?... fine, I’ll plan ahead to make the most of my outing and get the kids out for fresh air at the same time.

Whatever happens, we will make it work, partly because we have to, but mainly because we can… because we are much more adaptable than we probably realised.

Continued in Part 2…