16. Get up off of that thang...

I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation, and just how important it is to not just be motivated, but to have a really worthy, deep-rooted drive behind wanting to become the best version of myself. I mean, there’s a helluva lot of work to do and without a strong reason for doing it all there’s a good chance it just won’t last. I’ve started to wonder what it is that’s driving me… beyond the obvious benefits of just being better.

Recently I’ve had a few aches and pains, coupled with a week of poor sleep, and while getting out of bed has been a bit more of a struggle, at no point have I wavered from my plan. I haven’t had that internalised conversation at 6am where my body tries to convince my mind that a lie in – just this once – is for the best. No matter how challenging it feels, I know I am getting up to exercise. I know I am sticking to my plan. But what exactly is it that allows me to have this unwavering motivation to do the things I said I would do? It’s not like I’m letting anyone else down… so there’s no peer pressure – which I think is a strong motivator for a lot of us. You know what I’m talking about… when, in a moment of surprise enthusiasm you sign up to run that half marathon... or hike / run 54miles across the Scottish Highlands in less than 24hrs (yeah… I did that). It’s only afterwards that you realise ‘oh sh*t… I said I’d do that. I don’t want to let anyone down… or look bad and embarrass myself. I better start training’. Then, after you’ve completed the event and maintained your respectability among your peers - you declare that you plan to keep up some of the gruelling training regime you had established… you know… after a week or two off. So… what happened? Did you go back? Are those running shoes still in the cupboard somewhere? In a nutshell, the fear of embarrassment… peer pressure motivated you to a point, but when the event was over your ‘why’ went with it.

So what is your why? How much does it inspire you? Is it a strong why?... a solid motivation that will withstand all the obstacles that will come your way? – ‘Work is super busy at the minute… I really want to watch that show tonight so there’s no way I’m getting up early tomorrow… etc’. Will your why keep you going in the winter, when getting out for that morning run, or saying no to the fourth creamy hot chocolate of the week when it’s frosty outside?

Once you think you know your motivation, you probably don’t… at least not entirely. You need to delve deeper… ask yourself - why is your why your why? No that’s not a typo.

I mean, it’s one thing to say, ‘I want to be fit and healthy’. Great, most people do. You’ve probably wanted that your whole life, but if you’re not already there then that snippet of wisdom on it’s own has not been motivation enough for you to act… until now. What has changed? Maybe a recent health scare, or just the realisation that you’re not as young as you used to be? Maybe nothing has changed, so then simply ask, well… why do I want to be fit and healthy? If the answer is – ‘I want to get on the cover of Mens-Health’… then ask ‘why do you want to get on the cover of Mens-Health’. You see where I’m going? It might take two levels to reach your true why… it might take ten, but eventually you’ll get there… you’ll discover the real reason for your call to action. You’ll know what your ‘root’ motivation is, and from there you can build a long-term plan… knowing deep down what is driving you. This clarity can become the difference between being able to stick to your plan no matter what… be true to your goals through the difficult times as you know deep down what is at stake.

For me it started off pretty cliché to be honest – I simply didn’t know what I was doing with my life.

Like a lot of people I had been plodding along, not depressed but not happy either. I was lacking any sense of achievement or accomplishment. I have a great family, good friends… but just always felt like something was missing… what was the point of it all? What was I contributing to the world and what legacy would I leave behind. Naturally, when I was in my 20’s I didn’t concern myself with legacy… but thinking back, the things I did want to prioritise didn’t come to pass either. I wanted to travel, see the world… which I did… a little. Some people would say a lot… but by my 20 something standards I have fallen very short of the mark. Anyway, as I got older, entered my 30’s and started a family, that became my focus. Though in truth, having kids just gave me an excuse to not dwell on the lack of progress in my life. You see, having a baby somehow allowed me to feel like what I was doing… being a dad for the first time… was enough. I didn’t need to pursue any career goals or self-development, or anything for a while… or at least I didn’t need to feel bad that I wasn’t chasing those things. In retrospect, I am aware now that I had been feeling like a bit of a let-down for a while, but when my kids came along there was an unexpected fringe benefit – I let myself off the hook. I stopped dwelling on the ‘what am I doing’ type questions for a while, because I’d decided to re-define myself - I was a new dad… THAT was what I was doing. The mediocre life I was living somehow became acceptable, I negotiated with myself – ‘yes, a better life is possible, but things aren’t that bad, are they? We are still better off than some of our friends or family, and they don’t seem to be beating themselves up’. I lowered the bar… life was ‘good enough’. I don’t need to give myself all this extra work, not at my age. I stopped wanting for more, and so for a while was able to ignore my feelings of discontent. I just appreciated what I had… that was it. The feelings of ‘lack’ were quieted… for a while.

Fast forward 4 years, and as you’d probably guess, having done very little to really better myself in that time, I was still stuck in a funk. The ‘new dad’ title has long gone, and I had to face the awkward reality that I was now four years older, and still no happier with what I was doing with my life. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are amazing and changed everything, so I’m not suggesting things were exactly the same, but as far as ‘I’ went… the me that exists as an individual with my own desires for contentment… that guy was still the same. If anything, having two young girls just created more feelings of guilt, as I knew I wanted to be an incredible role model for them, but couldn’t see anywhere in my life that I was doing this. Did I love my work?... was I in great shape?... was I ‘Mr Personality’, able to captivate an entire room with my amusing anecdotes? (In case you’re unsure, the answers are no). It was about this time that I hit a low point, but in doing so I found what ‘Dave Hollis’ describes as my ‘leverage’. In his book – ‘Get Out of Your Own Way’ – he talks about how the opposite of having an exceptional life isn’t an ‘ok’ life… it’s misery… and there’s a huge power to be gained by being able to visualise the worst case scenario.

This is where I found myself, in the realisation that the road I was on was not one of mediocrity… but one of misery. When I pictured my future, the worst case scenario, it was full frustration at the opportunities not taken, my lack of action… it was full of regret. Heck, I’ve already got more regret than I should… dwelling on past decision that haven’t turned out well, or paths chosen for the wrong reasons. I realised that if I don’t take drastic action, I am only heading one way… to a life full of misery and regret. Sounds over dramatic, I know, but that’s what I saw… no in-between. No silver lining. I’m going to be that old man on his deathbed, wishing he’d done more with his life… had more fun and taken more chances. That is my leverage… my overwhelming motivation. It was enough to jolt me into action to make changes in my life… and started me on the path I am now on. One where I prioritise self-development and becoming the best version of myself… with no regrets. I didn’t read ‘Get out of Your Own Way’ until a year or so later, but I wish it had been written (and I was of the mindset to read it) years ago… but it’s still been great to hear someone… particularly someone who has gone on to be a leader in self-development, describe his catalyst for growth to be so similar to my own moment of clarity. So… with this powerful ‘why’ in my corner of course I’m getting out of bed to exercise without complaint. Mens Health… here I come!