21. What's your story?

At times, we all question whether we are enough… I mean, it’s the human condition to feel like we’re not. Sometimes it will be more general… like – 'I don’t think I’m smart enough, attractive enough, fit enough, capable enough?' Other times it will be more specific – 'I’m not doing my job well? I’m not raising my kids right? I’m not a good husband or wife?' The problem with this is that usually… if you’re focusing on these types of thoughts then that’s how you will feel. What is it they say – ‘where your focus goes, energy flows’. You feel like this, not because you aren’t any of those things… you likely are smart enough… and I’m sure you are a better husband or wife than you realise - but these thoughts aren’t supportive… they’re not subconsciously championing you to look for the successes in your life. In a nutshell, you’re not looking for evidence to contradict these thoughts, even though it’s there. The good news is you’re not alone… and anyone can learn to overcome this programming, and it starts with trying to understand what has caused us to think like this in the first place.

Self Doubt

Self-doubt is a natural part of our brain… an innate fear we all have, left over from our hunter gatherer days, where this feeling of constant fear… of not being enough, would sharpen the senses, and keep you alert to the dangers all around you. But now… well, there simply aren’t dangers all around you… no sabre tooth tigers waiting to pounce. So now, this feeling of self-doubt shows up in other areas of our lives that our brain perceives to be a threat. It has learnt to create the same feeling of ‘not enoughness’ whenever we dare to think bigger and push ourselves beyond the familiar. It’s unavoidable. No one walks through life never doubting themselves, especially when taking on new unfamiliar challenges. The difference then, is that some people choose to listen to this pessimistic voice in their head, while others have learned to think beyond these fears and feelings of lack. They recognise them for what they really are… a natural self-doubt that we all have. So they are able to ignore these thoughts and show up as their best self, and be confident in their ability to tackle whatever lies ahead and thrive in new challenges.

Your Story

So, what causes some people to struggle with this more than others? Well, a big part of what determines your mindset is ‘your story’. Now, I don’t mean the actual story of your life so far… the factual list of all your comings and goings over the years. No, I’m talking about the story you’ve told yourself - the less accurate version of events clouded by emotional baggage, the external influence of circumstance and what you have given meaning to over the years. In other words, the bullshit, exaggerated version, based on false and distorted thoughts that you have come to believe. Consider that every event in your life has left some impression upon you… whether you are aware of it or not, and as a result of these events you have developed a story about yourself defining what you believe you can and can’t do. That’s a bit of an oversimplification, but you get the idea. You go through life never questioning this story, and so years and years of repetition have engrained it into your mindset, creating a set of ‘limiting beliefs’ that show up whenever you dare to roam outside your comfort zone. These beliefs create an inner monologue of - ‘I’ve never been good at…’, or ‘I’m not confident enough to…’, or ‘I’m not able to learn …’ – basically, negative nay saying thoughts that do not serve you and are not based in reality. They are just thoughts. That’s all. Ok, they are thoughts you have repeated over and over throughout the years… but does that make them right? Of course not. But it does make them hard to shift… so whenever a new challenge comes along your brain defaults to these feelings of ‘not enoughness’ and you choose not to take the action required, or speak up… or whatever else it was that you wanted to achieve.

This helps explain why two people can experience similar hardhsips in life yet develop very different personalities and mindsets. While they may have had the same basic experiences, they told themselves different stories about those experiences. They’ve given different meaning to the events that transpired. Your brain, the helpful being that it is, will always look for evidence to support your thoughts – and so the story begins, backed up by the wealth of evidence your brain will find (and it will find it). So, the differing thoughts on those life experiences get reinforced and repeated over years and years – creating two different sets of limiting beliefs. The end result?... the same circumstances but two different stories and ultimately two different sets of beliefs about what they can and can’t do.

It’s the same for the crash dieter, desperate to lose 20lbs. They feel like they have tried everything… every diet, every new fad… but there ‘story’ tells them - ‘I’ll never lose weight, no matter how hard I try’… and ‘none of these diets work for me’… so guess what? Inevitably they will give up. It might take a week it might take a year, but eventually there conviction to the story that ‘they can’t lose weight’ will prevail, and this new sense of failure just gets added to the evidence that supports that ‘it will never happen for them’. It’s more psychological than physical, and until they change the story they tell themselves they will struggle to make the changes they want to see.

Another example that highlights the power of our story is someone trying to quit smoking. We’ve all known someone who has stated, usually regularly, that they want to give up smoking… but in their mind, they are a smoker. That’s their story. Despite all the gum, patches, and medications available to help them stop they seem to struggle and struggle, then inevitably give up. Not all… but most. But what happens when disaster strikes? Have we not all heard accounts of someone having a health scare or bad diagnosis and quitting ‘cold turkey’? What happened to make that possible? The addiction didn’t magically disappear. After years of trying what was it specifically that made it possible this time? They changed their thoughts about it… that’s all. The health issues laid out in black and white jolted them into action… and triggered a change in their thoughts about their situation and therefore their story. In their mind, the fear of illness or death overshadowed the old story they were telling themselves… it forced them to re-evaluate what was true. Were they really destined to be a smoker forever and continue to make themself ill?... or could they do something about it?

The point is, we can’t underestimate the power of our thoughts, and the story we tell ourselves, and the sooner we start questioning this the better. Why wait for a doctor to scare you into action when you can take action now… from a nicer, more intentional place and not one of fear. Is your story accurate? What are the limiting beliefs holding you back? How do we make sure we tell ourselves the true story?

We’ve all had times in our lives when we had to do something new… tackle the unknown. We really didn’t feel confident about it, but for whatever reason we HAD to do it, and in doing so we realised that we are able to learn new skills and rise to the challenge. But at other times, when we didn’t have something forcing us… when the unknown task was optional (albeit for our own good), we managed to talk ourselves out of even trying, convinced that we couldn’t succeed before we even started. So, because of the storey we’re telling ourselves and our limiting beliefs we’re not able to see the evidence from your past that we need to, even when it’s there. Instead we chose to see all the examples of failure… when trying something new didn’t work out… even if these are the minority. Again, where you focus is where you put your energy, and you will be blinded to the truth in favour of focussing on the negative.

So, it starts with discipline - you need to stop telling your old story. There’s no more looking back. No more calling up your bullshit, exaggerated and distorted version of events to justify your lack of progress or willingness to try. Learn to accept that its not going to be comfortable… it’s going to be hard. But how many times and from how many people have you heard that ‘anything worth doing is hard’. You’re going to experience stress, and there are going to be problems along the way… but your new story… the one based on the truth tells you – “I can do this… I can do hard things”. After all, you’ve done hard things before and came through. Like I suggested with the ‘smoker’ trying to quit, there is often a breakthrough moment… a trigger, when in a moment you decide that things have to change. Ideally you want to generate this moment rather than have it thrust upon you – so read more, watch inspiring films, speak to people who motivate you… anything and everything can become that trigger… its just takes a moment in time when something sinks in and in that moment, everything changes.

Your new story requires new beliefs, and like your old story these will come from conditioning… they require repetition. So become aware of when you start slipping back into your old story… and stand guard of your mind. Just as we have learned the bad habits of our old story we can learn good habits of our new story. Habits that come from progress and the sense of achievement from no longer making excuses and finding ways to avoid growth. After all, life is about growing… progress equals happiness. It’s all about moving to a better mental state, where the limitations of our old thought patterns no longer hold us back and the promise of a rewarding future give us a reason to stay focussed and develop these skills.

Oh… and you need to create a compelling future… but I’ll save that for another time!