5. Weighed Down by Thinking

Whenever I read or hear about someone being diagnosed with cancer, which let’s face it, happens way too often, I can’t help but feel a tightness in my chest....wondering when it will by my turn... or worse, someone close to me. What is it stand up to Cancer states?1 in 2 of us will be affected by Cancer in our lifetime? Now I’m not sure exactly what they mean by ‘affected’, but 50%?!.... that’s got to be reason to worry, it’s inevitable, right? What about freak accidents? Are we not told that you’re more likely to die in a car crash than almost any other way (barring medical conditions)? Well, hang on, I drive quite a lot too. So between driving and cancer am i already on borrowed time? What about your child being abducted? How often does that seem to be on the news these days? Is it only since having kids that I’m noticing this, or has there been a sharp rise in the number of pedophiles out there?

My point is, it's all a bit too much sometimes. My mind can take me to some pretty dark places, usually without warning. One minute you're thinking about something funny that happened earlier that day, you let your mind wander and 'smack' out of nowhere, you paint a devastating scenario in your head where all this happiness is snatched away. You've no idea what dots your brain decided to join to go from one thought to the next, but there you go... left with a negative image of the future which you actively have to draw your thoughts away from - by putting on the TV, or picking up a book (this usually hits me when I'm in bed). Was it a brief moment of contentment that accompanied the memory that somehow prompted my brain to react with a negative reminder about how bad things can go? Surely anxiety about losing my wife or kids shouldn't be something that my conscious mind torments me with? On refection, I can only assume this may be symptomatic of a broader, deep rooted anxiety I feel about life generally. If so, why am I living in a state of fear? (not constantly of course, but more than can possibly be healthy). Am I depressed? No, I'm pretty sure that's not it, and while I may not have the positive exuberance of Roger Rabbit, I am not such a pessimist that these thoughts feel justified. Maybe it's just part of being a father and husband? If it is then it's a crappy part, and definitely a part I can do without. God knows I don't want my kids to suffer like this if they have a family. So ,what is it in my personality that makes me think this way and what can I do about it?

It seems like my current state of being is one of fear...and not wanting to lose, or just cling on to what I have... rather than wanting and reach for more. As if daring to dream... to take a risk, will somehow bring about devastation. So, I'm in limbo...desperate to become an 'awesome human being' but terrified of destroying the 'comfortable' and familiar life I have now. This must be the position a lot of people find themselves in... not willing to rock the boat until we're sure there is a bigger, better boat within jumping distance. Well, my cathartic rant aside, I want to say - this just doesn't work! Trust me, I've spent lots of time in 'passive action' as 'life coach' Natalie Bacon calls it, trying to come up with ideas to change the course of my life. New business ideas, more training I could do, courses I could take. But the problem was always that I just wasn't fully behind any of them. They were deviations from the familiar, which is to say they all linked back to architecture (my current vocation) in some way. I wasn't prepared to take a leap in any direction, and so I looked to the nearest life boats (not sure why I've adopted a nautical analogy but let's just go with it) and tried to convince myself that these would be a better fit. Why then, didn't I pursue any of them? I've come to realise, through self-reflection and through reading and listening to various life coaching sources ('Design your Dream Life' predominantly) that massive action, that dog eared determination to never give up, only comes when you're fully behind and passionate about what you are pursuing. So maybe that's how I move my state of being away from fear. Afterall, it makes sense that my current anxiety and all the manifestations of it come from a deeper-rooted uncertainty and resentment about my past choices and the path I've taken thus far. Maybe, just figuring out what it is it really want to do will help move me to a place of optimism and hope for the future?

Now is the time to act. I've already experienced what living in fear of risk is like, being unwilling to think beyond my environment - and decided I don't want that for me or my family. Like I said in episode 1, I want to be an incredible human being and a great example to my kids. It won't matter how much I tell them and try to teach them, ultimately it will be by example that they will learn... so I need to live the lessons I want for them.

One way I've started trying to do this is by consciously doing things that I have wanted to do but find uncomfortable.... like writing this blog. Even something this simple seems like a big step in the name of growth. I cannot stress enough how 'not into social media' I have been, so believe it or not reading a blog, far less writing one is uncharted territory. I mean, every group of friends has one... you know, that guy who somebody had to remember and send a text invite to because they weren't part of the Facebook group. Well yeah... that's me, and I've found it's easy when you start doing new things, to become overwhelmed by it all. You're trying to work on so many mind blowing, personality shifting concepts, and trying to take a really honest look at yourself, probably for the first time. It would be much easier to just regress to the 'comfy' place of routine and familiarity, where you go about your day to day, and don't have to worry about paying attention to your thoughts and feelings all the time. After all, life wasn't so bad was it? In short, if you're reading this and associating with any of it, then yes, yes it was, and whether you realise it or not, you do really want to do something about it. It's not going to be easy, but to echo another apt platitude - 'nothing worth doing is easy'. Or as one former president put it -

Keep striving to try new things and recognise how it makes you feel. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings, and hopefully begin to acknowledge that it really is up to you to make conscious decisions about your future and how you want to live. Being aware is just a start, but sometimes starting is the hardest part.