8. Disaster or Opportunity?

If you've read my first post – ‘I want to be an incredible human being’, you may remember I mentioned that we had bought a fixer upper 'project house' which very quickly became a house of horrors. Well, thanks to that house, I recently got an opportunity to put my new, more positive mindset (for lack of a better description) to the test.

We were away for a long weekend visiting my wife's family back in Northern Ireland, a long overdue trip as we only get back 2-3 times a year and had cancelled our last trip in December due to our youngest girl having chicken pox. We had an early morning ferry to catch, which as luck would have it coincided with an impending storm. So, it was shaping up to be a potentially unpleasant start to our trip, and anxiety could have been high. But both my wife and I were able to remain in a more optimistic state, fully accepting whatever happens will happen and we'll just need to make the most of it. Fortunately, the forecasted 70mph winds didn't kick in until later in the weekend and so we dodged the turbulent seas and the inevitable sea sickness that follows. After a few pleasant days catching up with my in laws, we returned home, on a slightly rockier, but still manageable ferry crossing with not a sick bag in sight. So far so good. Had we spent the days leading up to the trip stressed out of our tree because of what might happen, and how bad the crossing might be - that time, and energy would have been wasted. We would also both have reflected on our lack of patience with each other and the kids in the build up to what was supposed to be a nice family trip, and felt as if we had allowed our anxiety to detract from an otherwise stress free mini-break (well, I say stress free, I was still travelling with a 3 and 4yo, visiting my in laws, so it’s all relative).

However, almost immediately on our return the weather really kicked in and the house (remember, house of horrors) was lambasted by some of the strongest winds and rain we've experienced. We live facing the sea, about 100 metres from the beach with only one row of houses spoiling the view (but offering a much-needed buffer - so you take the good with the bad). The house took a pummelling. Water started dripping in through the ornate coving in our bedroom ceiling - through a roof which we'd already spent considerable money repairing. 6 slates lay in the gutter to the rear, and I soon discovered that they came from the side 'cheek' of the rear dormer when a large wet patch appeared on the wall. Water was even coming in through the new bay windows, which were replaced only 10 months ago. To top it all off, for whatever reason, this was the night our boiler decided to act up and the heating just wouldn’t come on. This had nothing to do with the storm but was impeccable timing – and had also replaced at enormous expense less than a year ago. So, on that freezing cold day, when the house is already leaking like a sieve, I am at home with my oldest daughter (who is off school) with no heating, and a ridiculously strong wind whipping across the front of the house draining the small amount of heat there is. There was nothing we could do in that moment, so that night was a particularly restless one, with windows creaking, the constant drip of water, and my wife and me just lying awake waiting for the ceiling to be ripped off.

The next day, after checking the house had survived intact, we are back in our normal routine – back to work, school drop offs etc, and as fate would have it - the car warning light comes on. I’m only a few hundred meters from the house and I've apparently lost pressure to one of my tyres. Right enough, I pull over and the rear drivers side tyre is almost totally flat. So, with my wife and 2 kids in the car, all going in different directions - work, nursery and school, I am all of a sudden stuck at the side of the road, with not much of a plan and potentially a lot of speed walking / running about to get the kids where they need to be. As you can probably guess, after our less than ideal return home, and a poor night’s sleep, this was not really the start to the week I was hoping for.

'Bad things are supposed to happen', and 'Nothing has gone wrong'. These are two pieces of advice I’ve picked up along the way, from Brooke Castillo and Natalie Bacon – Life Coaches based in America (As an aside, Brooke Castillo runs ‘The Life Coach School’ and is top of her game in the life coaching industry. She has so many podcasts that are well worth a listen. Natalie Bacon was one of her students, and it was actually through Natalie Bacon’s podcasts that I heard about Brooke. While they both seem to target women more for their self-help, I find that it’s very gender neutral).

Anyway, these two mantras are simple and effective, and in a nutshell, they try and keep you grounded and retain a realistic expectation of the world. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to do some self-development work and then suddenly all your troubles will disappear. No, the world is not going to become perfect, and the sun won’t always shine when you want it too. Bad things are going to happen, that’s just part of the life experience. It’s pretty cliché, but nonetheless true, to say - ‘how can there be good without bad, up without down, light without dark?’ If there was only good, how would you know it was good? Would good not just become normal, and by default, stop feeling so good?

Now, in the past I might have said why me?... felt sorry for myself and dwelled on thoughts about how unlucky I am. I would have adopted a victim mentality, and I would have played the role well. After all, this is a familiar character for me. But, by reminding myself that ‘bad things are supposed to happen’ and that ‘nothing has gone wrong’ I was able to keep myself from indulging in self-pity. I was not a victim; this was just part of life. I reminded myself how lucky I was to have a car, and a house, and the money to repair at least one of them. And while I did still ask those sorry for myself questions, I was also able to offer some answers instead of just wallowing in misery. I mean, I bought a project house... that’s partly why. Ok, it came with it’s share of unpleasant surprises, but it is a project house, so can I really feel sorry for myself when it turns out it needs repairs? You can make all these things mean so much more than they do. Was the universe trying to send me a signal, making everything fail at the same time? Would you even ask that question if these things happened months apart? Of course not. Timing doesn’t change what happened, all it changes is how you choose to think about it. For example, if these problems occurred one by one, over months and months, you would still probably get frustrated, but you would just get on with fixing the issue then move on with your life. When they all happen at once you can allow it to overwhelm you, make you think ‘what have I done… this house is going to ruin me’. But note - the situation hasn’t changed, the same shit is still broken, but because It’s all broken at once your thoughts on the situation change, which can lead to the ‘why me’ mentality.

So while I am not a protagonist of affirmations on their own, affirmations you believe can be very useful, and it turns out I believe “Bad things are supposed to happen” and “Nothing has gone wrong”.

So at least I know some of what I'm reading is going in and making sense. Now for the carrot, if it’s still required - the most gratifying thing about it all is the fact that I didn't break down and end up screaming at my kids for a few days while I figured out how to fix or pay or for all the problems. I wasn’t impatient and grumpy, so in a few days or a week when I look back on this situation, I won’t be filled with a feeling of failure or guilt at how I acted, or rather ‘over reacted’. Instead I’ll probably manage to generate at least a degree of pride. And that is the whole point. I want to be a great father, and husband a just generally be an incredible human being - and then teach my girls how to do the same.