9. So, I'm becoming one of those guys

After procrastinating for a week or two, then chastising myself for another week, I finally followed through on the commitment I made to myself to start journaling (I promise I am getting better, I mean I have actually started… so while the new me still has a long way to go, he’s out performing the old me). However, no sooner have I started, and my negative thoughts start to creep in. Now, I’d read a couple of articles that had suggested this might happen – that as soon as you start to write things down, your mind wanders into an avalanche of negative thoughts. Is this my brains way of saying ‘hold on, what’s going on here, we don’t usually do this. Why is he making us do this new, unfamiliar task… is it even safe?... I’m not sure I’m on board here guys’. So in order to protect itself, keep me safe from the unknown it only offers up the most un motivating of thoughts. After only one journal entry I am left feeling pretty darn low. I am convinced I am doing it wrong. So much so that I already question if this is a good idea. ‘Maybe I’m just not suited to journaling, I mean, the whole thing sounds either a little ‘hippy’… or a little ‘high school musical’. I’ll come back to it once I have looked into it a bit more, then I’m sure I’ll be able to do it better’.

Now, I’m sure you read that last sentence and could associate with it at least a little. How many things do we put off because we don’t know exactly what we’re doing? I know I do. I may even be worse than most, because this is a pattern that has prevented me from taking action until now – aged 37! (remember though, no beating yourself up). When it comes to self-development, for most people this is ‘new ground’ – and you never feel like you know what you’re doing or if you’re doing it right. That’s pretty much how it is supposed to feel… uncomfortable. I know that, I mean, I’ve read it, heard it on podcasts, written it myself… but still, I haven’t quite got my head around it. I am someone who likes to know what I am doing and how to do it in advance. If I’m not sure, then I just re-read the instructions until it makes sense. Still struggling, then hello Google… ‘how do I – fill in the blank’. That’s where I get my confidence. I go and learn something behind closed doors, wait until I’m ‘good enough’ at whatever it is and then I can bring it out to see the light of day. No one knows about what I’m doing until I’m ready to show them. This has not served me. It has simply slowed down my personal development and does not help generate confidence, as the only time I ever feel confident is after I have essentially secretly practiced something until I am good at it. Most notably at the moment, it makes self development work all the more worrying. Anyway, I digress.

The point I’m making is - having already taken big strides in trying to become incredible, I still reverted to this massive self-doubt about my ability to journal. I mean WTF - it is essentially just writing whatever comes into your head… how can I be getting that wrong?

I persisted, and It took me a day or two, but I did eventually gain a bit of clarity. You ready for it?

There is no wrong! It’s that simple. Or to quote from day 3 of my own journal:

It's really just a brain dump... what some life coaches call a ‘thought download’. With persistence it becomes easier, and if I start to over think it, I come back to day 3 and the sentence above. After all, I wrote it…and it’s true. Now that I’ve gotten into it a bit more, I’m finding that it's throwing up some Interesting issues already, which is the whole point – I’m trying to become more aware of my thoughts… that's where it all starts (thoughts create feelings, feelings determine action, action determines results). So, it really is life coaching 101. I won’t bore you with all the negative thoughts being thrown up in my journal (there are some good ones too… but it’s mainly negative), however I thought I’d share quite a meaningful one to give you an example. Reading back my ‘thought downloads’ one of the issues that’s keeps coming up for me is that I still seem to be doubting whether I am capable of changing. For whatever reason I seem to think I am stuck in the current version of myself. Maybe because I have tried in the past to be a more positive person and failed... albeit past attempts largely involved affirmations and pretending to be happier… which did not prove sustainable. So, I've never tried on this scale... with this much focus and conscious effort. But still, I find that despite this new, more thorough approach I still haven’t changed my thoughts about my ability to make significant changes to my ‘personality’. And as I keep reading - until you change your thoughts it's almost impossible to bring about real change to your life.

The key point I’m trying to make is – without journaling I might never have identified that I was doubting my ability to change… a thought which will hold me back from doing exactly that! So now I know I need to address that thought and see if I can shift that into a more neutral state like - ‘maybe I can change’. Before working up to ‘it’s easy to change ‘. I accept I won’t be able to jump from one extreme to the other, but by looking around and thinking about all the small changes I’ve already put in place – diet, exercise, journaling, meditation, as well as thinking about how I have been much calmer and relaxed with the girls (my wife included) - it is possible to move my thoughts to a more neutral position. Next I need to figure out why I’m choosing to think like that… because it is a choice.