1. I want to be an Incredible Human Being

At 12 or 13 years old I think I was asked “what are you going to do when you’re older?”. I’m 36, soon to be 37 and I still don’t know. So how, at 12 years old could I possible have had a clue what I wanted. What I do know is that my answer at that time started me on a course which has proven to be the single most defining direction of my life….and not in a good way.

I can’t remember if I thought about my answer for a while, or whether I already had some romantic notion in my head, but my answer was – “I’m going to be an architect”…surely a great idea, right? Anyone I mentioned this to responded with ‘wow’ or ‘that’s an amazing job’ or occasionally ‘you’ll have to work really, really hard”. So whether it was the challenge being thrown down to my 12yo feet, or the seemingly awed responses, that was it settled - I’m was going to be an architect.

Flash forward 25 years and I still like a challenge, and I’m not daunted by taking on something that my friends and family tend to see as nuts. More recently, my wife and I moved into a former B&B, which it transpires is not the project house we anticipated, but more of a house of horrors. But I can probably save that for another rant. The point is, it sat on the market for a long time, and pretty much no one agreed it was a good idea…but we bought it anyway…so maybe architecture was just a challenge that I had to see through.

“But happiness is fleeting – it’s a feeling you have in the moment, that passes. What I want, is to be content…to be satisfied”

But why?

The big question is why do we make these decisions so early in life? Why do we keep making the same mistakes? I mean, once I had uttered those words it felt as if there was no going back…people approved, I had pleased both parents and teachers alike! Soon after that I had to choose my Standard Grade classes (year 3 and 4 - Scottish School System), which where all geared around what I needed to do at ‘Highers’ in order that I could apply to University to study Architecture. I didn’t decide ‘what subjects do I enjoy most’, or ‘which topics am I naturally drawn to’. No, architecture, and the predetermined entry requirements were the overwhelming decision making of this 12yo. Now, with 2 young girls myself, I am determined that they don’t make the same mistakes. They are currently 3 and 4yo, so I still have time, but what I’m finding is it’s so hard to lead by example when your brain is wired to work the ‘wrong’ way. Like most parents I’m sure, I know what type of father I want to be, but the reality is far from it. And I’m reminded of this every time I hear myself shout over something inconsequential….or occasionally when I just get tired of listening to myself berate the kids about some menial issue. For the most part they are just being kids, yet I find myself telling them off…a lot. If I’m already in this pattern, teaching them not just to enjoy themselves first…to just be kids, then why do I expect them to make better decision when they hit 12 and someone asks them what they want to do?

How do I change a lifetime of bad thought habits? In essence, how do I ‘chill the f#ck out’. That’s just step 1. Then it’s…how do I become a life coach for my daughters? Ok, I might have skipped a few steps in the middle there, but in a nutshell that’s it. Relax, re-wire my brain, become the best possible version of myself / become an incredible human being. Then figure out how to teach my girls the same lessons.

It’s not just about them of course. I want to be happy for myself too. Although, happy is the wrong word. I am happy (I think)…and I’m very lucky to have everything I have in my life. But happiness is fleeting – it’s a feeling you have in the moment, that passes. What I want, is to be content…to be satisfied. I want to be proud of who I am as a person more than what I have achieved. I want to be the type of husband and father that I set out to be. One that inspires my kids, one that supports my wife. I want to be fun again (as I am operating under the belief that I was once fun). I want to spend my time doing something of value, rather than just milling away the hours to earn a paycheck. So, where do I start.

What I hope for?

I’m sure I'm not alone in feeling a bit adrift and not sure where things started to go off course or what to do about it. I'm sure I'm also not the only parent who wants to be better for their kids and set them on the right path to be confident, happy and content. My goal for this blog, despite being a cathartic way to get the abundance of thoughts out of my head, is to allow other people to follow the incremental changes and actions I’m taking in order to be a better human being. To follow the step by step process, simplifying those inspirational and eureka moments that I encounter along the way.